pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize