well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
