I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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