Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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