Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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