Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
