chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
