Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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