who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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