just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
