wrigley field is MILF paradise
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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