This house was built for laser tag.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
