I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
