True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
