I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
