I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
