I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
