Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
i think my cat just said my name.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
