So drunk its hurt
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
