Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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