I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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