I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize
