we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
You brought string cheese to the strip club
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
