i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
