I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
