Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
