billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
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