Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
