I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
