I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
