My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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