I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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