took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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