i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
