I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
