You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
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