He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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