I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
