So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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