I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
