Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
