she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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