"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize