the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize