Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
