I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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