My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
