Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Randomize
