I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
