it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Randomize
