great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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