this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Drake has all the answers
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
