I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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