I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Randomize
