I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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