I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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