if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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