I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
