he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
