you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I just realize today that I've dated three guys this year with their own blog. Ugh that's embarrassing.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize