Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
