dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
