Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Randomize
