Hey man sorry I got all grabby
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The air taste purple.
Randomize