bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
