Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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