i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
