Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Randomize
